Doors, Locks, and Keys
My First Steps in Boundaries
You might have read my previous newsletter about Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab titled “The Unexpected Slap in the Face.” I’ve spent the past month quietly reflecting, reading, writing, and sipping tea through this book, following the roadmap Nedra laid out so carefully to answer the questions: What are boundaries, and how do we implement them in our lives?
I’ve highlighted so many passages that to share them all would be plagiarism. Truly, the best way to experience the transformative power of this book is to pick up a copy yourself and get to work. I can’t learn for you. What I can do in this newsletter is share the pieces that stood out to me. If they resonate with you, wonderful. If not, please don’t take it as a reflection of the author’s work—this is my personal review of Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
Learning What Boundaries Are
“Boundaries are not common sense; they’re taught.” – Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries Find Peace
I picked up this book because I knew nothing about boundaries. They were like a mythical pegasus gliding through the sky, carrying glowing beings higher than me. I had heard of them, and I knew they must be important, but honestly, I wasn’t taught them. I sought this book to learn how I could become boundaried.
Growing up, trauma and silence shaped everything. Roles were assigned early: the strong one, the peacemaker, the one who didn’t rock the boat. I kept trying to be what everyone else needed me to be. I thought that was love. I thought that was resilience. But I’ve learned: if you have to disappear to stay connected, that’s not connection. That’s codependency. That’s survival.
Boundaries were never meant to hurt anyone. But for people who benefited from my lack of them, they felt like betrayal.
Untangling Closeness and Codependency
There’s a kind of closeness we’re taught to accept, the kind that says, stay quiet to keep the peace, swallow your hurt, show up no matter the cost to yourself. For a long time, I believed that version of love was noble. Necessary. Even healing. But sometimes, closeness is really a trauma response in disguise.
People-pleasing is often praised as kindness. But what happens when your kindness becomes your cage?
In healing from complex trauma, I’ve had to face not only the relationships that hurt me, but also the ones that taught me to abandon myself in the name of harmony. That kind of love isn’t sustainable. It’s performative survival. And I can’t live that way anymore.
The hardest part hasn’t been the inner work, it’s been the outer ripples. The shifting of relationships once central to my identity. The grief of space. The guilt of saying no. The shaky voice that says, I love you… but I need distance.
Listening to My Body
My body knew before I did. Heart racing, breath shallow, unease everywhere. My nervous system screamed: You’re not safe.
Instead of overriding that feeling, I listened. In the middle of a severe medical flare-up, I decided to go no contact with certain family members. Their ongoing stress was making my condition worse, and I chose to prioritize my health.
At the time, I hadn’t yet read Set Boundaries, Find Peace, but I knew my boundaries had been crossed. I had asked for them to be respected and was met with refusal. The enmeshment, the blurred lines of where I began and others ended, was suffocating me. I felt I had no other choice but to walk away.
“Ending a relationship isn’t a sign that you no longer care about the other person. It’s an indicator of self-love, self-care, healthy boundaries, bravery and your desire to be well.” – Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries Find Peace
And I did want to be well. I needed my nervous system to calm down, to exit the perpetual fight-or-flight that was exacerbating my seizures. Every time I choose a boundary, I fear being misunderstood. But Nedra reminds us: there are no guilt-free boundaries. Being misunderstood is still better than being chronically unsafe.
Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re doors with locks. Healing means you finally get to hold the key.
Breaking Generational Patterns
For those of us raised to “suck it up,” speaking up feels selfish. That mindset teaches us to dismiss our emotions and push through at all costs, usually at the expense of our well-being. But true resilience isn’t silent endurance. It’s setting limits, asking for help, and valuing yourself enough to say, I deserve better.
I’ve realized grace is not a free pass for toxicity. I’m done tolerating manipulation disguised as concern.
“Cutoffs can be a way of caring for yourself on a deeper level, as remaining in a relationship with a person who is unwilling to change can be painful and damaging.” – Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries Find Peace
One quote that stays with me is this:
“After you’ve done all you can, the ultimate boundary might be to end an unhealthy relationship. This is an unfortunate but sometimes unavoidable circumstance.”
Nedra also offers questions to consider when rekindling relationships:
What do you expect to be different?
Has the situation or person truly changed?
What is the evidence?
Are you well matched, or just fixated on making it work?
If nothing has changed, are you willing to repeat the same pain again?
These questions are sobering, but they are tools I now carry.
Moving Forward
Before this book, navigating boundaries in a dysfunctional family felt like sailing uncharted waters without a map. Now I have tools, confidence, and renewed clarity to move forward in my healing.
I can ask the difficult questions. I can make the decisions that protect myself and my little family. I can break generational cycles, even when it feels lonely, uneasy, or like grief. Because in death, there is also life.
As Anne Lammot said, “If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” I owe no one secret-keeping. DNA doesn’t entitle anyone to a seat at my table.
What Healthy Love Looks Like
A healthy relationship isn’t perfect or conflict-free, but it’s safe and life-giving. It means both people can grow and stay true to themselves while being connected. Some core qualities include:
Respect – Each person values the other’s feelings, needs, and boundaries.
Trust – Reliability without constant fear of betrayal.
Healthy communication – Open dialogue without shaming or dismissing.
Boundaries – Independence and the freedom to say no without guilt.
Support – Encouraging growth instead of trying to fix or control.
Mutual effort – Shared responsibility, not one-sided labor.
Safety – Emotional and physical security to be fully yourself.
Joy and balance – Laughter, affection, connection, and space for rest.
There are no perfect families. But normalizing dysfunction only keeps abuse alive. We can change without guilt. We can grow and move forward.
As we enter this holiday season, it’s heavy on my heart that many like me have experienced the weight of never being taught Boundaries—the essential keys to personal freedom. Sometimes hard won but worth it. Abandoning ourselves is never worth it in the end, as I have learned the hard way a time or two.
True that life is hard #relationships are prisons are #emotions are are fault and everyone else's are their fault nothing works no #relationships work well